Under the rain

I felt like I needed to take it out there, just let it out (believe me most of the time I look and stay positive on the outside, but this is what's inside)...
Today after work I had to go to my new future job for some instructions. I stayed there pretty late being completely overwhelmed at the end by the amount of information.. So when I finally left it was dark, windy and it was raining. I didn't have an umbrella so I just walked under the rain and waited for the bus... under the rain.. I wanted to cry together with this silly rain... I was cold and I'm sick so rain and wind didnt make it any better... I almost by accident got a new good job in the area that is interesting for me with the salary 3 times bigger than my current one, 3 days ago I got a new cell phone I wanted for quite some time (not a big deal but still)... am I happier now? I'm afraid not... This is not what I was hoping for (I mean new job in Novosibirsk), but I accepted it, I try to listen to my intuition and somehow it felt right to do... I don't know where it'll take me, I don't know if I'm making right decisions.. I was hoping for internship abroad but am sick of getting e-mails saying "we are regret to inform you that you were not selected"...I feel like giving up.. I feel like I'm not living but just going with the flow and this definately not making me happier..
I want to believe that I'm going somewhere and that I'll finally get to where I want to be maybe by a different road, but now it's harrd to keep hanging on as nothing seems to be working right...

so, standing there under the rain all I wanted was a hug, someone who'd really care... I can't express how much I want it, I was ready to shout it out into this cold dark wet sky... ohh whatever...

I trust (at least I really try to) that the way things are going will take me somewhere eventually, because on the way I chose I only see closed doors for now..

 

"The peaceful warrior"

I accidentally came across this movie last night and the fact that it was really ACCIDENTALLY is what amazes me. This movie is just another "tool" to keep teaching me what I've been trying to learn recently - living "here and now" and appreciating every moment, this is hard when everything goes wrong in your life and you feel stuck, and I'm only in the beginning of the learning process...
There is a scene in the movie that I especially liked - when the guy says "there is nothing going on!" and feels desperate and the old guy makes him see that "there is NEVER nothing going on" and there are scenes of couple kissing, dog running, children playing, etc....
I was going to put some quotes from the movie on here, but it'd be way tooooo loong, I just recommend you watch this movie :)


"There are no ordinary moments"...