25

So, here it came - my 25th birthday... wow.. 25.. When I was 16, 25 year olds seemed "old boring adults" to me, but I feel like I'm no more than 20.. what is age anyways? I wouldn't exchange the experience I had for anything, but I'm definately not going to put myself on the same list with these boring people saying you have to be serious and live a normal "right" life... well I'm also not going to say they are wrong, it's just their choice. There are some things I'd have changed in the past if I knew then what I know now, but...
so I was hoping to make some conclusions I have come to during my first 1/4 of century here, let's try.
1. Children can be very evil and generate some inferiority complexes in you which, if you are lucky will disappear with time;
2. Parents ALWAYS want the best for their children, even if children don't agree first;
3. It's so easy to break something, but it's so damn hard to put it all back together when you realize what you've done;
4. The world is what you think about it;
5. There is something good in EVERY person if you can discover it;
6. When you are positive, you see a lot more positive things going on around you;
7. It's very easy to live "here and now" when you are happy, and it's sooo hard when nothing goes right, so you escape to the past or dream about the future;
8. It takes much courage to forgive and let go;
9. It's hard to keep caring so much about someone who doesn't see it and not be able to do anything about it;
10. It's really frustrating to get disappointed in someone you put a lot of trust to;
11. It's kind of fun to challenge yourself and do something you were afraid of doing;
12. The best advice-giver you can find is probably your intuition and your own heart, just learn to listen to it and trust it;
13. It's hard and discouraging when you don't get what you want, but be patient and you might get something much better later (still learning this one myself ;));

I could continue the list, but will stop for now ;)

oh and my favourite one:

DARE TO DREAM, BECAUSE ANYTHING... ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN

;)
 

Under the rain

I felt like I needed to take it out there, just let it out (believe me most of the time I look and stay positive on the outside, but this is what's inside)...
Today after work I had to go to my new future job for some instructions. I stayed there pretty late being completely overwhelmed at the end by the amount of information.. So when I finally left it was dark, windy and it was raining. I didn't have an umbrella so I just walked under the rain and waited for the bus... under the rain.. I wanted to cry together with this silly rain... I was cold and I'm sick so rain and wind didnt make it any better... I almost by accident got a new good job in the area that is interesting for me with the salary 3 times bigger than my current one, 3 days ago I got a new cell phone I wanted for quite some time (not a big deal but still)... am I happier now? I'm afraid not... This is not what I was hoping for (I mean new job in Novosibirsk), but I accepted it, I try to listen to my intuition and somehow it felt right to do... I don't know where it'll take me, I don't know if I'm making right decisions.. I was hoping for internship abroad but am sick of getting e-mails saying "we are regret to inform you that you were not selected"...I feel like giving up.. I feel like I'm not living but just going with the flow and this definately not making me happier..
I want to believe that I'm going somewhere and that I'll finally get to where I want to be maybe by a different road, but now it's harrd to keep hanging on as nothing seems to be working right...

so, standing there under the rain all I wanted was a hug, someone who'd really care... I can't express how much I want it, I was ready to shout it out into this cold dark wet sky... ohh whatever...

I trust (at least I really try to) that the way things are going will take me somewhere eventually, because on the way I chose I only see closed doors for now..

 

"The peaceful warrior"

I accidentally came across this movie last night and the fact that it was really ACCIDENTALLY is what amazes me. This movie is just another "tool" to keep teaching me what I've been trying to learn recently - living "here and now" and appreciating every moment, this is hard when everything goes wrong in your life and you feel stuck, and I'm only in the beginning of the learning process...
There is a scene in the movie that I especially liked - when the guy says "there is nothing going on!" and feels desperate and the old guy makes him see that "there is NEVER nothing going on" and there are scenes of couple kissing, dog running, children playing, etc....
I was going to put some quotes from the movie on here, but it'd be way tooooo loong, I just recommend you watch this movie :)


"There are no ordinary moments"...

Plan or not to plan?

For my whole life I was always trying to plan things ahead as it seemed to be the only right way to live. I'd try to plan all the small details even for a non-sagnificant event, not mentioning big happenings. Now life is teaching me not to make plans. Like I want something and I start planning on it and getting excited and then - BAAAM! - I'm getting let down, so I bite my lip not to start crying because it happened again. Now sometimes it even makes me laugh, coz "ha, I knew it!". It's like I'm learning a tough lesson - let go of your desires (note: not get rid of them, but just let go of). Here's one example (not a sagnificant one, but pretty demonstrative): back into spring 2009 I was excited for Varya to come from China of course because I wanted to see her badly, but also because we were making plans on having some "photosessions" (as you might already know I REALLY want to take up professional photography one day and she's a self-learner so it's a good chance to practice). So I was really waiting for it and was making plans on how we'll do it, when and where, creating different scenarios for sessions. And yep, her camera gets broken without a reason so she had to send it back to China. My disappointment had no limits and I had no choice other than give up on the idea for now and never talked to Varya about this again. Couple weeks later she tells me their camera has been repaired and sent back!! Our plan to make the photosessions is still there, but I'm not so "attached" to it anymore. I want it, yes, and we plan it for this weekend and we need a good weather for it and noone guarantees it won't rain or her camera doesn't get broken again or someone doesn't sick or whatever, but for sure I won't be that dissappointed this time. And I think this shows very well how our desires can and will come true if we are not obsessed with them. I just hope I will be able to let go of my desire for most important thing for me - having a happy family - and just trust it'll be real one day (before it becomes an obsession). :)

Here are some extracts from an article I found very helpful:

"It is relieving to remember that "this too shall pass". Life does continue to flow, and no situation lasts forever"

"By being placed in a state of discomfort we are forced to find the answers in ourselves to transcend beyond our static state of being".

"When it becomes clear that what once supported our own growth and expansion is no longer fulfilling that need, it is time to move on".

"Events happen in their own time".

"Relaxation, trust, patience and faith will allow one to have understanding and peace of mind".

"What was once a breakdown, becomes a breakthrough".

"It is imperative to understand that whatever crisis we are experiencing is happening to push us to fin our true strength and deepest wisdom within ourselves. As a result, this awakening will take us to a better place in life, and once it all unfolds, this newfound clarity will make it evident why it all happened the way it did."

Letting go

“The Tao Te Ching says, When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. When I let go of what I have, I receive what I need. Have you ever struggled to find work or love, only to find them after you have given up? This is the paradox of letting go. Let go, in order to achieve. Letting go is God's law.” – Mary Manin Morrissey


I know this is what I need to do - let go. Let go of what I dream about, what I want and what I'm struggling to find. But how? I thought I was doing ok on this, and maybe in some aspects I am, but I guess not really.

"Wanting something without needing it" - my current mission :)

If somebody wants to teach me that, ok, I'll be learning.

"The bucket list"

Have you seen the movie "The Bucket List"? I watched it with Kovalevy family when I went to Krasnoyarsk couple weeks ago. It's about "wish list" or about things you want to do before you die. All of us have this kind of list, some on paper, some in our heads, but we all have it. And according to the movie and life ;) we always seem to be busy with other stuff that we "have to do" and postponing things we 'want to do" until... it's too late.
The next day me and Sveta were sitting on a bench and we talked about our "wish lists". And guess what? I was really surprised realising that many of my wishes I had before have already became true. It's really amazing (and what makes it more amazing is that when I wanted it I had no idea how it would be possible)! To name a few:
- Traveling (I wanted to do it since I was 14, but at that time I knew my parents couldn't afford it, so it was just a dream. But hey, I've travelled quite a bit and far - who would have thought I'd go to South America!!! And I had my own money to travel, I was saving just enought to do it);
- Having friends around the world (originally I only wanted an english-speaking pen-friend and I tried to get one for many years - it was the time when internet wasnt so much used yet - now you name a country and I'll most probably have a friend there and I do have some really good FRIENDS in Europe, USA, Colombia, Canada...)
- Christmas in USA - was definately in my "bucket list" - I did it last winter!!

and there are some other ones, some kind of personal, some are just smaller ones, but again - at first I had no idea how it could be real :) And this just fascinates me.

So sitting on a bench there with Sveta I decided I need to have a new list now and I do :)

Dare to dream ;)

...

I feel so extremely tired and exhausted. Hundred times more tired than I was last year when I was super busy at work every day, when I was volunteering for student's organization, when I had a private English student, when I had salsa classes twice a week and when I was learning Spanish by myself all at the same time and after all that I had time to hang out with my friends and do some other stuff.. Now work is absolutely boring and plus I'm forced to things I don't enjoy doing, so I'm like struggling all the time and hate when I have to go to work in the morning.. Why don't I quit? Because I need money and I need a job. I need a change and I'm doing everything I can to make this change happen. I really hope it happens soon but some things are just not in our control. All you can do is try and have faith. Deep inside I know what I want even though doubts keep popping up in my head, I don't want to stick with something less than that. But I'm just so tired and it takes so much out of me to keep trying after another fail.. Two weeks ago I prohibited myself to have any negative attitude because life is still wonderful :) So many things I hoped for this year failed, but I believe there is a reason for that. I saw hopes of my friends fail too and it was sad to see.

But just like when you are a child and your mom tells you to make a wish and blow candles on your birthday cake and not tell anyone about it, I made my wish and I know it will become real. ;) Well actually I made at least 2 (I'm old so I'm allowed to)! The second one is bigger and is like my life-time wish so it might take longer to become real, but I just KNOW it will and it feels great.